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Satyamev Jayate - Marriage Or Marketplace? - Episode 3: Big Fat Indian Wedding
Most people dream of a lavish wedding but the reality in India is that expensive wedding celebrations and heavy dowry demands end up making brides' lives miserable and ruining their families. The very concept of marriage has been turned into a transaction, with no value placed on the people or the relationship. But this can change, and it is up to girls and their families to say NO to dowry, to insist on simple ceremonies and restore the sanctity of the wedding bond.
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To the guy who talks about inheritence- shame on you and anyone- man or woman who is relying or expecting inheritence. I have a brother and sister and none of us siblings are waiting, wanting or expecting an inheritence from our parents. Our parents worked very hard and gave us everything we wanted. They made us independent and able individuals. Their wealth (and my parents are pretty well off) is theirs and if anything, we encourage them to spend it on themselves- go on vacations or anything else they like. They sure earned it.Today life expectance is longer and they also need to save it for their rainy day as life is unpredictable. If all parents are like mine, they devote their lives to their children so why should they sit and distribute it to you. Spineless and shameless people expect their share of inheritence.
@Tue, 2012-05-22 23:28 — Anonymous
The parents of the bride r not obligated to give anything to the groom's parents except what they deem appropriate, after all it's the thought that counts, so the newly acquired in laws should take it in stride whether they're given gold or a good quality article of clothing. The only other thing I agree with u is that daughters should also have the right to their parents' wealth (should they decide to bequeath it to their children and not donate to a charity), but that piece of wealth belongs only to the daughter. She should be entitled to it whether she's married or not, even if she is, it's her right to decide how to invest/use the inheritance. her inheritance doesn't have anything to do with her husband, unless she decides to share it with him.
I think Amir has missed one point.
Now days even women put up fake dowry cases against her husband to make money or for some other purpose.
Good show eye opener!
Hi folks
Agree that its a very demeaning and unethical for the grooms family to even talk about dowry ; forget about demanding it!
At the same time as a newly married guy ; I admit I had thought about it and would have been happy if offered some gold as a gesture (around 50 lakhs or so I thought was the norm ; even if I didnt get I wont bother about it though !)
I got around half a kg of gold and I have happily taken in my stride
Mila toh koi raunak nahi
Nahi mila toh koi gham nahi ....
But My point is :
Every child has a right to their parents assets because they have had a part to play in it
Especially as girls ; most of the girls definitely contribute and spread so much of love which definitely is a factor to the familys well being
But still ..... is it not the duty of the brides parents to think about their daughters ?
So after marriage while the boy inherits the fathers business or assets; the girl has no right on them ?
Im talking morally not legally (even by law ; daughters do have a right I think)
So the kartavya of the brides parents is just to get the daughters married -- thats all ?
Dont they have a obligation to share some wealth for their daughters future
Of course ; the groom has no right to ask
But still its a good gesture for the brides father to give !
I will definitely give dowry for my daughters marriage -- its a question of a mans strength of heart
Just my two cents ....
P.S I respect women deeply and am very proud of my wife and of course I love her
While I sympathise with these women who are/were dowry victims, I cannot help but wonder why educated, self respecting women would agree to be such victims. The whole point of being educated is to be independent and come out of such repressed practices.
Ever since I was a little girl, I hated too much jewellery etc because it represented all these gaudy marriages where people leave taste outside and go for all bling. I may be the only south east Asian girl (read: Indian) girl who hates over the top Indial bridal wear and jewwllery. To me it looks like a overly decorated Christmas Tree.
My wedding was a elegant and tasteful but small- our families and close friends . I am proud to say that I insisted that my parents not spend a penny on my wedding. They gave me wonderful opportunities including great education and that made me a strong, self respecting person. I always joked that I am the NRI with a six-figure salary and I would like to know how much dowry I can demand from a prospective guys's family when all busybodies enquired when I was getting married ( before my wedding).
I fell in love with a wonderful guy who loves and respects me and HE gave me the wedding I always wanted. He treats me like a princess and loves and respects my family. So my advice to all girls is to not sell yourself short. If you believe you deserve the best, you will get it so don't settle in life.
I totally agree with one post here ...root cause is MOTHER IN LAWS .....
ITS ONLY A BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYY 's MOTHER only
my mil always says i have spent so many lakhs on u for my comfort you have to do house work.... can u beliv my family is very educated...
n yes all her sons are mamas boy... i hv 2 daughters ..i m very happy i dont have son...
rather than spoing some1 elses daughters life... let me be happy wid my daughters n i hope they remain happy ....
MSG FOR AMIR PLLLLLLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSSSS ..... FOR KIRAN RAO TOOOOOOOOO KEEP A SHOW ON MOTHER INLAWS
So true. Female infanticide is related to this dowry thing. I sincerely pray that the people from the girl's side say no at the very first demand. I would rather back out from such a family. there is no end to a man's greed like i said.
Its strange that most times, its the MIl who makes this demands. She being a woman herself, I guess she wants the girl to suffer just like her. Sad!
and dear friend at Sunday 12;25, I hope your self worth has not gone down because of all the problems created by your in laws. Indian men I tell you are all mamas boys. it will take decades to change that.
Tell me where do you live?
There are also a lot of cases these days where the dowry issue is being misused by the girls's family. i know of 2 such families. One of my close family members. Infact they were locked up in jail for a day. The girl's family put a dowry harassement case. The girl it turned out was mentally not alright and because the boys could bail out of the marriage, the girl's family did this. so sad!
Muslims should no way be giving dowry,. Islamic weddings should be simple and follow the Islamic tradition of modesty and charity-there is barkat in simple weddings. It is in fact the groom who gives a gift of money for the brides security called maher, in case something happens to him or a divorce happens. This is essential for her security and upkeep. this whole dowry thing is disgusting and everyone should take a stand against it, regardless of religion.
I am Telugu too and was auctioned off in the "Kamma" community where dowry is offered in CRORES for an average NRI groom. I am a US-educated Telugu Kamma working girl who got married into one such greedy family. Mind you, the groom's openly don't demand crores. It all works very surreptitiously in this caste.
The bride's father have to state their 'bids'. Accordingly, NRI suitors came in. A bid of 50 lakhs has very few suitors coming while a bid of 5 crores has a long queue.
The only deciding factor in such marriages is the property (dowry) the girl brings in to the marriage.
Next, on list is fair-skin of the girl.
Sadly, many marriages including mine are ruled by money. Love and togetherness of the married couple are lowest priority for such grooms and in-laws.
I was myself a US-educated Indian working girl at the time of my arranged marriage.
Long story short. The groom's family was less after my property but more keen on my US dollar salary. Esp. my husband's mom was hungry for my salary within the first month of marriage. When I refused to give her my salary, like her son did all these years before marriage, hell broke loose. Even after 5 years of marriage, she has brainwashed him to the extent that we live like strangers just because I refused to be her financial slave.
My mama's boy of a husband is utterly spineless and defends his mom always. He must have left his brains in his mother's womb when he was born.
I truly deeply regret my loveless arranged marriage today. Love is a joke in such relationships and Money is the only language understood.
completely disagrtee with the forced marriage of the man was taken lightly even if he is happy now!!! there wud b uproar if it was a woman - n yes im a woman
Surprisingly, most wedding demands originate from the groom's greedy mother - a woman herself.
Women inflict the most pain on each other esp. in Indian marriages.
The root-cause of most Indian marriage problems is the mother-in-law who just refuses to loosen her pallu-strings to her son. She wants her grown son to get married and have all the advantages of a wife's services -cooking, cleaning, bearing children, sexual comforts and social dignity.
Yet, she will not loosen her emotional grip over him. If she wants to be the center-piece of her son's life, why does she not cook, clean serve him for the rest of his adult life ? She very well knows her limitations in that regard. And yet will not allow the young wife to take centrestage.
I'm Pakistani and all this dowry crap doesn't work in our culture anymore. In fact the groom gifts the bride gold and diamonds for her wedding. No man or his dumb mother has the right to demand money from your father. Say NO!
I think Dowry is the main reason for female foeticide too.. when we expect that as time goes the dowry system will slowly go away it is just becoming the opposite.. I live in the US and my husbands friends are all mostly telugu who have Masters degree and mostly unmarried.. when you ask them what kind of girl their parents are looking for them they boldly say that they are expecting somewhere between 3Cs to 4 Crores as dowry!!! and mostly thats the only expectation. they go on a two week vacation with no clue as to who is the girl and come back engaged with the highest bidder and that too to working girls with Master degrees themselves!!!! who will ever want a girl child in that community.. and these people actually showed me sympathy when i had a daughter.
I am just citing an example I know with no disrespect to any particular state beacause from where I come dowry is not demanded (even though my hubby is an NRI and has done masters) but the only demand my in-laws made were a fairly grand wedding be given(for which i thought they should have shared the expense) so i was shocked to hear crores were being demanded in the form of dowry that too by well educated men. I say its only getting worse day by day..
No matter whatever girls and girls family do until todays SOO CALLED young, well educated boys change their views this society is not going to change. They need to stop being mama's boys and tell their parents strongly no for dowry.
If groom decides to support his bride and has a courage to oppose his family for wrong things then these dowry issues and harassment will never happen. Only educating girls and changing girls families views is not going to help. When boys moms complaint about wedding gifts and all then why can't they have a courage to tell her that for them their married life, good wife and happy family are more important then all those stupid relatives complaints and wedding gifts.
One of my friend's husband hated this traditional marriage concept and dowry system that he told his family that he will only get married if they will not ask dowry and gifts from girl's family as well as no grand wedding only court marriage...even now after so many years my friend still talks about this and respects her husband a lot (and their marriage was not love marriage it was arranged one).
For my brother's wedding both side family shared the cost of wedding and bride-groom's clothing-jewelry. We did not exchange gifts. Both families went together to marriage hall and we both welcomed each others relatives. That was the ideal wedding I had seen in my life. Both families respected each other and there was a very good understanding between us.
cast system discrimination in India >>>Caste system in India is more prevalent in very few parts of the country and used mostly for political gain. In day to day life nobody cares if a person who sits next to you at work or lives next door is of what caste. In India discrimination exist based on food preferences, color of skin and money.
I really like the line up...1st episode talked about people killing girl foetus and susequent episodes talking about some of the reasons or grudges people have for having daughters.
I am really happy to see this program. Amir is a real hero.
He should do a show about the serious abuse of thr 498a act. So many fake dowry cases hoisted by women these days. The sad thing is that people can allege dowry against not only the groom and in laws, but also sisters, brothers, uncles, aunties-everyone. I know of several like that and they demand lakhs and lakhs to make it go away. One 65+ year old couple near me is going to police station regularly with anticipatory bail, because their grand nephew's new wife filed for divorce and false dowry case against the whole family. They have to travel 100km to their hometown regularly to the police station. They only saw this girl once in the wedding and don't even know the boy much.
It used to be mom in laws harrassing, but nowadays it is the daughter-in-law harrasing the groom and family and threatening with arrest.
This episode made me so mad. Are brides and their families dogs? What right do these bastard low lives and their families have to demand new cars and that much money from the bride? Not only are they getting the girl but also taking her family's dignity! Disgusting! I swear if any guy or his family ask my father for dowry, I'm kicking them and thier egos out of my house. Come on ladies don't let these type of greedy bastards rob you like this. Thank you Aamir for once again taking a stand against this issue. I have so much respect him for what he is doing here and with so much compassion
Well done i think when it comes to shaadi and dowary womens have to be firm and stragiht foward . Its time for women to stand up for whats right because in a marriage its just not the husband in control but both the wife and husband . Aamir ne bahut aacha aaj topic discuss kara .Love satyamve jayate and every single epsiode
To the girl who posted about spending her and her fiancees own money on their wedding - thank you for sharing! There should be more women who are as insightful as you. Thanks so much for sharing.
To the person who said that female infetocide will self-correct the issue, the stats don't look like that's what is happening - it looks like girls from poorer socio-economic backgrounds are being taken advantage of essentially being trafficked to these families who just use and abuse them....likely to a harsher extent than what we saw in the first episode of SJ.
The answer lies with us...setting the standard for simpler weddings and being practical. What can your family truly afford? or ideally, what can you and your fiancee afford. My perspective of this has changed from wanting a huge wedding with designer outfits to a quiet celebration of 2 families. I love what Aamir said at the end...a wedding should not be an atom bomb that explodes in 1 day, rather an agarbathi that slowly burns over time letting off its fragrance....let's not have this message fall on deaf ears...let's do our part and lead by example.
To Sunday 12;25 .....Feel very sorry for you. I hope u have your husband's support & that u don't live with your parents in law!
I had a love marriage myself. Being a Hindu girl whose community does not practice the dowry system, I wanted to marry a man whose community practices dowry. My father made it very clear to me that if any demands for dowry or anything else cropped up,the marriage will NOT proceed. (Even though we are from an extremely affluent family). His attitude was ,''Would they love my daughter or treat her like a cash cow?'' Fortunately,during the girl seeing session, my in laws very tactfully told my parents,'' Please don't spend money on saris & jewels,it's a waste of money as they (my husband & I) were settling down abroad.'' My parents were very happy.I think they spent approx 3 lakhs on my wedding! Later in UK,when we wanted to buy a house,my in laws helped us raise the deposit amount & told my husband to never trouble my father for it! I have such a lot of affection & respect for my in laws because they are such good people!
Problem is lots of girl's families think that it's better to pay up to get a good husband for their gals. They don't realise that someone who behaves so crudely may never ever keep their daughters happy.
I was never an Aamir fan but after watching these 3 episodes... My God is he HOT and SMART and SENSITIVE. I want to marry this man lol. Kudos to him for bringing light to these issues. Especially the issue of dowry. I have immense respect for this man.
shakuntela anything that exploits a human being is wrong
Sun, 2012-05-20 12:25 — Anonymous
I'm very sorry to hear that. I hope you and your husband are happy now.
I met my husband in law school and we decided to get married after we graduated, got jobs, and saved money so we could have our dream wedding. I come from a Muslim family and my parents are very old school and strict so you can imagine how they wanted their daughter to have an arranged marriage. I'm proud to say that I didn't let my parents spend one penny on my wedding and they agreed that whatever makes me happy, makes them happy too. My husband and I BOTH spent equal amounts of money on our wedding and valima. It's very important to say no the groom's family as soon as they demand something from you. A marriage is not a business deal. Make sure that you KNOW who you are getting married to (even if it is an arranged marriage) and what his family is like. If the man has his own home separate from his family, that's an A+
This was very very necessary. In the last 6 months - 5 (or 6?) Marwari girls I know have been married. Since they all knew each other, they started competing (oh, so she spent 3 Crores? I will spend 5 Crores !)
Its really very sad, since these are people who live in Singapore, so you would expect that their thinking would be different. It sets a very bad precedent and I am determined to have a simple function. If the guy's family wants more, then I will show them the door.
I watched the episode again...and my hindi is as bad as Katrina's...But does the girl pay for the wedding? In my culture the girl does absolutely nothing. The boy goes around looking for the girls...not the girls parents like in inida...or am I wrong?
The Oprah Winfrey of India. Aamir Khan is tackling issues that no one ever had the guts to tackle before. My respect for him has increased.
Kudos to Aamir for tackling these issues. I feel he has a far broader reach and connect with people than most politicians. Even if he can make a part of the population sit up and change their views or customs....there'll be far less dowry deaths and cases, female foeticide and more and more victims of sexual abuse will speak up. I loved how he taught the group of children on his show about how to recognise when someone is abusing you sexually.
Props to the concept, the star.....you're doing a much better job than the so-called millenium superstars riddled with jealousy over your show!! Keep it up.....you are brilliant:)