Hello Therapist: My boyfriend keeps texting a female colleague and hides it from me, what should I do?

In our new Anonymous segment, Hello Therapist, we have experts answering doubts about your personal problems. Today we have with us, Dr Rahul Khemani, Consultant Psychiatrist in Wockhardt Hospital solving our anonymous reader’s doubts.
Hello Therapist: My boyfriend keeps texting a female colleague and hides it from me, what should I do? Hello Therapist: My boyfriend keeps texting a female colleague and hides it from me, what should I do?
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Hello Therapist, is a new segment by Pinkvilla where we receive your anonymous doubts, problems and health queries and consult various experts from all walks of life. You can come to us with even your beserk queries and we’ll help solve them for you! Today, we have Dr Rahul Khemani, Consultant Psychiatrist in Wockhardt Hospital solving a Pinkvilla Reader’s personal issue.

Hello Therapist, 

I noticed that my boyfriend keeps texting a female colleague despite my explicit request to stop the same. He told me that he stopped chatting with her but I caught them again. The chats are not sexual in nature but it makes me wonder why did he lie to me and was his friendship with her so important that he needs to hide it from me? I am considering a breakup. What do you suggest?

Hello Pinkvilla Reader, 

As far as I can see there are two concerns at hand.

One the emotions of hurt, displeasure, and discomfort at your boyfriend befriending another woman. 

And another is that your boyfriend is lying to you.

Let’s look at the first concern. Your feelings are completely valid but I also want you to look at another feeling that is driving your thoughts and behaviour- fear. You fear that he will perhaps abandon you for this new woman. What you really want to say to him is not that he should not text her, but that you don’t want him to leave you. Your discomfort is also in part wondering about the scenario you dread.

Let’s also think about what is happening right now in your relationship without involving this other woman in the equation. Sometimes, we look for emotional intimacy that is lacking in our relationship outside of the relationship. Were there any strains in your relationship before he started texting this woman? How are your conversations with him otherwise? What is lacking in your relationship? What needs of the relationship are being unmet? We have to look at the relationship to understand what happens outside of it too. In addition, to this what are you afraid of about his friendship with her, if you say there is nothing sexual about it? How would you characterize their friendship, and is it something that you and he have trouble achieving? Perhaps, you worry that you don’t connect to him the way his friend is able to.

The second part is about lying. What was your reaction when you confronted him about these messages? Did he feel attacked, or felt accused? Did you confront him with an already decided mind? It might happen that we get caught up in our own feelings that we forget that others have feelings too. Introspecting about your own communication pattern might help here. Being defensive or expecting the outcome without validating the evidence can take us far from reality.

Allow the space for truth, and be compassionate towards each other before you make a decision.

Do you have a question to ask? Email us your queries at editorial@pinkvilla.com with ‘Hello Therapist’ in the subject. Shh… don’t worry, we’ll make sure to keep everything anonymous!

Disclaimer: Hello Therapist is is an infotainment feature. The information contained in these topics is not intended nor implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, it is provided for infotainment purposes only. By submitting your queries to Pinkvilla, you agree that we may use and edit it partially /full for clarity and ease of understanding of our readers. The advice given is not be used as a substitute for consultation with a professional psychologist or other professional health or medical provider.

Anonymous 8 months ago

If a man has wandering eyes or keeps flirting, texting with other women under the pretext of "friendship", then your relationship is not truly exclusive. Plus, a female colleague texting with him privately is not a professional relationship. A liar is not trustworthy. Have some self respect and dump him. We are a country of a billion people. Plenty of fish in the sea lol. Good luck.

Anonymous 8 months ago

Hello icnt forgrt my past uts been 14yrs still my mind is ther pl say wat to do now.

Anonymous 8 months ago

No friendship should be so important so as to hurt and lie to your significant other. U will have 100 friends in ur life but u need to have only one person who will love u as a soulmate till death

Anonymous 8 months ago

Run run run as fast as you can .. I went through this and 3 years later I found that he was in a relationship with 3 other girls at the same time .. if he lying and hiding things .. this relationship is not worth it

Anonymous 8 months ago

Exactly u sud let him go. You dont trust him.

Anonymous 8 months ago

If it were me , I would let the BF free in this issue . he is not a child to be monitored all the time .