Hello Therapist: My boyfriend is possessive; Meets his female friends but can't accept me with my male friends

In our new anonymous segment, Hello Therapist, Dr Rahul Ratan Bagale, Psychiatrist & Psycho-therapist, Apollo Clinic, Pune helps to solve her issues.
Hello Therapist: My boyfriend is possessive; Meets his female friends but can't accept me with my male friends
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Hello Therapist, 

I am in love with a guy since 2 years & now we are in an active relationship. We are planning to marry soon. He is possessive in nature & doesn't like me hanging out with my male friends. Even though he knew it earlier that those few male friends are my close friends. I tried to convince him, but I couldn't get off his possessiveness, he doesn't express but his behaviour tells it all! So a few days back, I asked him to not hang out with his female friends so that he can understand my situation and doesn't feel bad, but now he is very clear that he will always be possessive & that he will meet his female friends but cannot accept me meeting my male friends! I don't know what should I do.. & I am also worried about our future as it is not possible for me to avoid meeting my friends for a longer time.

Hello Pinkvilla Reader,

Maintaining a friendship with the opposite gender while being in a relationship, is a very common objection raised by partners who are possessive in nature.

In any relationship, once you start experiencing an emotional intimacy with your partner; the next moment, passion is born between both. Both partners express their passion about each other & wish their partner to 'always' be available which may appear somewhat 'clingy' on occasions. Sometimes, they feel the connection so strong that any other person trying to invade this space (it could be pure friendship, as in your case) arouses the sense of exaggerated passion, manifesting as possessiveness by one partner. They start feeling insecure about the relationship & try to express a discomfort whenever their partner is spending some good moments with another form of relations (like in family or friends). This insecure attachment with a partner originates way back to the upbringing of the person, where unavailability (or fear of unavailability) of the parental figure arouses anxiety in the child. Eventually, when this child grows into an adult; possibly your partner might be re-experiencing this emotional anxiety and insecurity in the relationship (while you are hanging out with your male friends). It needs some assurance & an assertive communication between both of you so that your partner feels it 'secure' while you're having some lighter moments together with the male friends. It appears discomforting for your partner to accept this perspective, as he is been thinking a different way since childhood. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind...rather than restricting your partner about female friends, try to be friends with each other's circle. Be gentle & try to make your partner realise the friendship-wala bond you have with your male friends so that he feels relieved from this anxiety, arising out of the possible trust issues. I hope your partner can empathise well with you, the way he is maintaining his friendship with female friends.

It is unfortunately rooted in some indigenous socio-cultural strata all over the world, where a woman is wrongly considered to be a kind of possession by the male. It just insults the individuality of the woman, as a person. Please check if your partner has any such notions about a woman, so that he is trying to restrict & control your behaviour or preferences. If that's the case, then it's gonna difficult for you to change his beliefs. Only a professional psycho-therapist or relationship counsellor can help you better if it's getting difficult for you to handle this.

"Passion in any relationship is important so as to provide warmth. The moment it gets heightened beyond a reasonable extent, it transforms into possessiveness & becomes like a flame. This excess passion only damages the relationship, if not cooled down with trust & communication." I hope both of you got the point and it is up to you now, how you wish to move ahead with the current situation. TakeCare.

Do you have a question to ask? Email us your queries at editorial@pinkvilla.com with ‘Hello Therapist’ in the subject. Shh… don’t worry, we’ll make sure to keep everything anonymous!

Disclaimer: Hello Therapist is an infotainment feature. The information contained in these topics is not intended nor implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, it is provided for infotainment purposes only. By submitting your queries to Pinkvilla, you agree that we may use and edit it partially /full for clarity and ease of understanding of our readers. The advice given is not be used as a substitute for consultation with a professional psychologist or other professional health or medical provider.

Also Read: Hello Therapist: I am married & feel guilty for getting attracted to a guy in my gym; What should I do?

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