Love Matters: 4 Signs to know that it’s not love, it’s a trauma bond

A trauma bond is a deep emotional attachment to one's abuser that is more prone to develop in people who have a history of abuse, exploitation, or emotional codependency in previous relationships. This type of toxic link is more widespread than you may believe, and while the types of abuse involved may be distinct to each relationship affected, one common denominator remains: it is an unhealthy scenario and never one you should settle for. 

To help you in recognizing the indicators and to provide advice on how to avoid future trauma bonds, we suggest you 4 key indicators.

1. You are completely captivated by the other person

A magnetic attraction can be beneficial; however, if the attraction is so intense and overwhelming that you feel overwhelmed by it, you should pause. This type of attraction frequently elicits feelings of excitement as well as anxiety. Enjoy the thrill of a new relationship, but take the time to get to know the other person well.

2. They keep you away from your loved ones

Some people may believe it's cute to have someone else desire them all to themselves and become envious of others with whom they spend their time. But there's a difference between loving someone so much that you want them to be with you all the time and consciously seeking to isolate them from other essential relationships in their lives. Does this individual become upset if you spend time with someone who isn't them? Do they try to control who you hang out with? If the response is yes, that's as plain a warning sign as any.

3. Hoping to change them

We'd have the perfect relationship if they'd just stop [abusive behaviour]. Because there are times in the relationship when the victim feels loved, it may appear that change is possible. Those happy periods, however, are not indications that the abuser is capable of changing; rather, they are attempts to pressure the victim into staying. Very often, abusers will make the changes that their partner desires, only to return to the abuse shortly after. 

4. Persistent loyalty in the face of danger

Loyalty to the abusive partner is a feature of trauma bonding. To continue in the relationship, you may try to remember the good moments and disregard the bad. A trauma bond happens when your partner purposefully affects you through a pattern of threats, intimidation, manipulation, deception, or betrayal in order to gain power and control. Despite feelings of terror, emotional agony, and distress, you remain devoted to your violating partner.

Allow the trauma and betrayal to flow through you as you move through the complexities of loss and despair, but don't allow it to change into self-blame. Take a moment to applaud yourself for starting to break the cycle. It's a significant step to take.

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