35 Funny Divorce Quotes to Crack Up Your Partner When They're Mad

Fights are inevitable in a marriage, but if you are a couple who love teasing each other, here are some funny divorce quotes to pull your partner’s leg.

Dr. Samar Hafeez
Reviewed by DR. SAMAR HAFEEZ , Clinical Psychologist | Written by Aastha Pahadia , Certified Relationship Coach
Updated on Apr 23, 2024 | 11:49 AM IST | 486.5K
Funny Divorce Quotes to Tease Your Partner During a Fight
Funny Divorce Quotes to Tease Your Partner During a Fight

Marriages take a lot of work to be successful — a couple is a match made in heaven, but they have to work a real deal to make the relationship successful on Earth. If there’s a couple who says, “We never fight” or “We never have had an argument” — know there’s something fishy (like, literally)! Fights and disagreements make a crucial part of married life (not ugly ones, though), and a few couples know how to turn things around in a hilarious way. Divorce is not a joke, and bringing up a topic this sensitive during a fight can make your partner burst out at you. But if you’re a couple who deeply understands each other’s quirks and are sure your partner won’t turn into a Hulk, here are some funny divorce quotes you can share with your partner to crack them up when they are mad (we advise you to proceed with caution). 

Yes, these quotes are not for the faint-hearted, and using them in the wrong way or at inappropriate times can make your partner make you sleep on the couch, or worse case, make you pack your bags and leave the home. Okay, enough joking — a partnership is all about embracing each other’s uniqueness, so here are some funny divorce sayings that’ll show your partner how unconventional you are and catch them off guard. But as we said above, this should be done in a light-hearted way and not be used as a method to upset your partner. If your partner takes things deeply by heart, it’s better to share with them love quotes during a fight. But if you guys take things on the unconventional road, here are some funny quotes about divorce at your disposal.

Funny Divorce Quotes to Tease Your Partner During a Fight

Funny Divorce Quotes to Help You Chuckle Through a Heartbreak

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1. “Heartbreak is a loss. Divorce is a piece of paper.” —Taylor Jenkins Reid

2. “Does speed dating necessarily end up in a quickie divorce....?” ― Josh Stern

3. “Divorce is the one human tragedy that reduces everything to cash.” — Rita Mae Brown

4. “Divorce is success. Failure is staying married to a person you no longer love.” ― Ben Tolosa, Masterplan Your Success: Deadline Your Dreams

5. “I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was always.” — Red Skelton

6. “What did your husband do to make you leave him? He breathed.” ― Pamela Hamilton, Lady Be Good: The Life and Times of Dorothy Hale

7. “Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.” — Joan Rivers

8. “A divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there's less of you.” — Margaret Atwood

9. “Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor

10. “Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.” — Groucho Marx

11. “She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.” — Tommy Manville

12. “Take this marriage thing seriously – it has to last all the way to the divorce.” — Roseanne Barr

13. “Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be, let me tell you. Honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.” — Larry Gelbart

14. “Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.” — Shinichi Suzuki

15. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” — Groucho Marx

16. “Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.” — Jean Kerr

17. “A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table.” — Jean Kerr

18. “I’d marry again if I found a man who had $15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he’d be dead in a year.” — Bette Davis

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19. "He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house." – ZsaZsa Gabor

20. “Nowadays love is a matter of chance, matrimony a matter of money and divorce a matter of course.” — Helen Rowland

21. “A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I'm about $100,000 short.” — Mickey Rooney

22. “For sale! One wedding dress ... worn once by mistake.” — Unknown

23. “My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.” — Wendy Liebman

24. “Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary bypass.” — Mary Kay Blakely

25. “The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, doubtless, a separation.” — Lord Chesterfield

26. “The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.” — Johnny Carson.

27. “Divorce is not always a doorway to happiness. The same can be said about marriage.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

28. “Whenever your ex screams, "You'll never find another one like me!" the appropriate response is, "... I certainly hope not!" — Unknown

29. “Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. In the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.” — Unknown

30. You can't stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat. — Mike Tyson

31. “It's easier to get a divorce than pass the driving test. Now it's just a basic form-filling exercise.” — Paul Coleridge

32. “My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years.” — Lee Trevino

33. “The happiest time of anyone's life is just after the first divorce.” — John Kenneth Galbraith

34. “Love, the quest; marriage, the conquest; divorce, the inquest.” — Helen Rowland

35. “Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.” — Ambrose Bierce

Note: Please note that while these quotes can be used to lighten up the mood, divorce in itself is a highly sensitive subject. Our reviewer, Dr Samar Hafeez, a Clinical Psychologist, sheds some light on the topic, suggesting a few tips to cope with it. Here’s what she has to say about bouncing back from divorce, “Look after yourself and your mental and physical well-being, opt for self-care and indulge in enjoyable activities, reconnect with your deeper self, practice self-acceptance (accepting yourself with all your weaknesses and strengths), and self-compassion to bounce back from divorce. Furthermore, keep to your normal routines as much as possible. Avoid isolation and do not consume drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol to cope, as they only worsen existing issues. Getting adequate sleep, exercise, and nutrition is vital. Socially, embrace new friendships and associates. If it gets too overwhelming, seek divorce counseling.”

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Conclusion

Marriage is considered the most precious union of life that brings together two people to celebrate the ups and downs of life. A couple who knows how to fight the healthy way is the one who stays happy in marriage — bringing up the topic of divorce can be the wrong thing to do for most people. However, if you two share a deep loving bond and you’re sure your partner is not going to turn bitter against you, then you can share a few funny divorce quotes with them and make them go LOL. As Chris Rock rightly said, “Only married people understand you can be miserable and happy at the same time.” — you can turn a heated argument into a funny one with these sarcastic jokes about divorce. In the end, we can’t emphasize enough the fact that this shouldn’t be done to demean your partner — do it subtly and say sorry immediately if you have to, but don’t go overboard with these jokes, or else that might hurt your partner.

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About The Author
Aastha Pahadia
Aastha Pahadia
Certified Relationship Coach

Aastha is a certified Relationship coach and she strives to help those who seek expert advice on relationships.

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