All You Need to Know About Relationship Anarchy: A Basic Guide

Imagine a world where romantic relationships aren't constrained by society's expectations. That's exactly what relationship anarchy embodies. Rather than following traditional relationship norms like monogamy and hierarchy, relationship anarchists prioritize individual autonomy and building a community that supports their unique choices.

The phrase first entered mainstream discourse thanks to Andie Nordgren, who penned an essay titled "The Short Instructional Manifesto for Relationship Anarchy" on July 6th, 2012. Originally written in Swedish, Nordgren translated the essay herself, sharing her revolutionary ideas with the world. Interestingly enough, the term first made an appearance at the OpenCon convention in 2010. Read on to know how this unconventional movement is redefining what it means to love and be loved.

What Is Relationship Anarchy?

The concept of relationship anarchy is simple: it has no concrete set of rules to follow. Instead, relationships within this structure are adaptable, meaning there is no strict distinction between sexual, romantic, or platonic connections.

What's essential about relationship anarchists is that they are not confined by the labels of society. Unlike conventional labels such as "friend," "partner," or "lover," these folks break down societal relationship standards, recognizing relationships as a community, rather than merely a connection between individuals.

Although there is a distinct philosophy behind relationship anarchy, it shares common ground with the notion of sexual anarchy. Sexual anarchy essentially challenges the traditional male and female roles within society and targets the unspoken codes of conduct associated with each gender. In contrast, relationship anarchy strives to defy both gender and relationship norms, prevalent across cultures, breaking the boxes they've been confined to for centuries.

The Relationship Anarchy Manifesto

The “Relationship Anarchy Manifesto” was put forward by Andie Nordgren in 2006, introducing a fresh and viable approach to forming relationships. The key principles highlighted by Nordgren in the manifesto can be summarized as follows:

1. “Love Is Abundant, And Every Relationship Is Unique”

The abundance of love in our lives is a core principle of relationship anarchy, emphasizing that love is boundless and cannot be quantified. The primary belief of this ideology is that love should not be restricted or confined by labels like "partner" or "significant other." A connection holds meaning and value regardless of its title.

2. “Love And Respect Instead of Entitlement”

The foundation of this principle is centered on the notion that individuals should not feel compelled to surrender their personal preferences and lifestyles to conform to a relationship. A true mutual partnership values each other's autonomy, rather than imposing demands or sacrifices. The emphasis is on fostering a deep sense of appreciation and understanding, which reinforces a stronger connection built on love and respect.

3. “Find Your Core Set of Relationship Values”

When venturing into relationships, it's crucial to bring along your fundamental values and principles. These are personal and extensive values that transcend mere sexual undertones. They embody your worldview, treatment preferences, the manifestation of respect, and other tenets that forge your unique identity. Your values should apply to all your relationships without deviation or discrimination since every relationship deserves equality.

4. “Heterosexism Is Rampant And Out There, But Don’t Let Fear Lead You”

Relationship anarchy stands firm in its opposition to heteronormativity. The traditional societal construct of female-male partnerships as the norm for relationships is completely dismissed by this ideology. According to relationship anarchists, the concept that each gender plays an inherent role within a relationship is simply nonsensical.

Since heteronormativity remains the dominant social and legal framework, those who identify as relationship anarchists must remain vigilant against the danger of being isolated and excluded by mainstream society.

5. “Build for the Lovely Unexpected”

The fifth principle highlights the essence of impromptu moments in our relationships. It advocates against forming attachments due to obligation and pressure or adhering to society's notion of what is expected of us. Instead, we must embrace the liberty to manifest love and delve into the depths of emotions and adventures with those around us.

6. “Fake It ‘Til You Make It”

This principle stems from the realization that living according to the rules of this ideology can be challenging and confrontational. Those who promote this lifestyle advise us not to feel ashamed or discouraged when we succumb to societal expectations. There are moments when feeling content with our surroundings outweighs the need to convince others to adopt our way of life.

7. “Trust Is Better”

Recognizing the fact that individuals in such a relationship may lead diverse lifestyles and maintain distinct bonds and responsibilities with one another, necessitates an atmosphere of empathy and openness. Therefore, when one feels overloaded or needs some solitude, their desire should be respected and discussed for mutual understanding. This does not imply that one can just ignore or neglect the other's message. It implies that mutual admiration for one another's independence is vital.

8. “Change Through Communication”

 

The eighth principle puts the spotlight on an integral aspect of all flourishing connections — effective communication. Acknowledging relationship anarchy as an entirely distinct experience from the societal standard of relationships, followers of this concept must make it a priority to engage in truthful and explicit communication. In doing so, they steer clear of falling back into the restrictive confines of conventional relationships, which relationship anarchists aim to depart from entirely.

9. “Customize Your Commitments”

The ultimate principle of relationship anarchy embodies the idea of commitment in this unconventional model of relationships. Although this lifestyle is governed by freedom from traditional norms and lacks strict rules, there still exists a level of commitment, expectations, and structures within every relationship. It is the ability to customize these commitments that give this type of relationship its vitality — one does not need to be wedded to start a family, nor are specific feelings or an existing relationship prerequisites to cohabit. The belief is that each relationship is uniquely crafted to suit the connection between the individuals involved.

The Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord

To simplify the process of customization, a relationship smorgasbord has been devised. It is like a buffet that offers an array of options to choose from, such as different styles of relating, varying levels of commitment, and expectations that fit your needs. With unanimous consent, these options may be woven into your relationship:

• Emotional intimacy
• Physical intimacy
• Sexual intimacy
• Companionship
• Long-term partnership
• Caregiving
• Co-caregiving
• Entanglement
• Collaborative partnership
• Kink
• Voluntary asymmetry
• Social partnership

So, here's how it works. Each person in the relationship has a personal plate, and they choose items like “hand-holding,” “organizational activities,” or any other options that feel suitable to them. However, no item can be added without mutual agreement. By the end of this fun exercise, each person's platter is filled with items that truly reflect their needs, wants, boundaries, and commitments, making for a tailored, highly-customized relationship experience.

The best part about this system is that it allows for complete customization of relationships, leaving behind any prescribed norms or expectations. In essence, relationship anarchy isn't about a free-for-all approach but rather one that empowers individuals to build and maintain meaningful connections in a way that is truly authentic to them.

Relationship Anarchy Vs Polyamory

At first glance, polyamory and relationship anarchy seem to go hand in hand, but that's not always the case. Polyamory involves being in multiple relationships at the same time. However, if one of these relationships has a clear power dynamic, then it can't be considered relationship anarchy. On the other hand, if the relationships are non-hierarchical and don't conform to any traditional model, then it's safe to say that they are both polyamorous and anarchic in nature.

Should You Practice Relationship Anarchy?

Now that you've understood the concept of relationship anarchy, you must be wondering if it's something you could incorporate into your life. To determine if it's the right fit for you, start by examining how you feel about its principles. Whether they align with your values and ignite a sense of excitement or if they feel incongruous with your personal morals and boundaries.

If the idea of relationship anarchy entices you, take some time to define what you desire and require in your relationships. Then, make sure any current partners are also open to this unconventional approach.

Relationship anarchy thrives when individuals prioritize authenticity and independence. Successful practitioners must have well-honed communication skills and the courage to share their emotions honestly. So, ask yourself if these traits resonate with you before embarking on this unique journey.

Conclusion

The rise in popularity of ENM relationships has also seen an increase in the growth of relationship anarchy, a structure that values individual freedom above all else. Those who embrace this style of relationship understand the importance of communication, customization, and the need for space. Communication is vital for any healthy relationship and is especially important for those in a relationship with an anarchist dynamic. The key to customization is the smorgasbord approach, allowing for flexibility and adaptability. Ultimately, relationship anarchy is not about chaos or anarchy in the negative sense; rather, it is a way of living that honors personal freedom and mutual respect with responsibility and care.