Is My Husband Gay? A Checklist of the Most Evident Signs

You may want to check out some of the most common signs of a gay partner if you have been finding yourself wondering “Is my husband gay?” more frequently than not.

Updated on Oct 26, 2023   |  10:18 PM IST  |  296.4K
Is My Husband Gay?
Is My Husband Gay?

Marriage has its ups and downs and dwindling physical intimacy can be one of the most distressing fallouts of long-term personal relationships. In most cases, the flickering fire of passion can be rekindled — unless you have cause to wonder “Is my husband gay?”. In such a scenario, you need to look closer and examine why that lingering suspicion has entered your mind in the first place. 

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After all, a partner’s (hidden) sexual preference may not be why there is a lack of romance or physical intimacy in the marriage — stress, affair, conflict, or physical or mental issues may be the issue here. 

However, if you feel certain that none of the other things are going on and there is something definitely “off” that you can’t quite put your finger on, you may want to check out some of the most evident signs that your partner is a gay man, living in the closet. 

We have jotted down some of the common signs, but do exercise caution even if you do relate to more than half of the potential situations described here and speak to a professional if required to know best how to approach the situation. 

9 Signs That Indicate Your Husband Is Gay And Not Into Women

1. Disinterest in Physical Intimacy

Is My Husband Gay?


Your spouse’s disinterest in physical intimacy is probably the first thought or suggestive sign that your husband is not physically interested in you and while there can be several reasons behind it, one can certainly wonder whether it has to do with his sexual preference. You may find him unwilling to initiate lovemaking sessions or take the lead during the act of intimacy. In such a scenario he may not be able to do justice to the foreplay involved and also not make you feel loved and respected throughout the whole process. If your husband is gay, you may find him to be sweet, affectionate, and romantic, but devoid of passion when it comes to physical intimacy.

2. Excessive Expression of Rage Towards Homophobic Couples 

As contrasting as it may sound, men who are covert about their gay sexual preferences tend to get frustrated by the presence of gay couples in their surroundings. Just like people who are conscious of their diet tend to get frustrated by friends who are very choosy and picky about their food preferences. Hence, when you notice your partner making excessive raunchy jokes about gay couples and the gay culture this is something to watch out for. Your partner may be trying to suppress his sexuality and repress the constant need for affection from the same gender and the lingering presence of homosexuals around makes them confront the internal conflict within themselves. Hence, excessive frustration and avoidance of queer couples is one of the most evident signs your husband is gay. 

3. Extending Beyond Bromance and Nudging Towards Romance

Is My Husband Gay`


Indeed, men try hard to win the race among like-minded fellas and establish themselves as a master of multiple trades. But when their actions go out of the way, it can indicate deviating sexual preference. For example, if a man cooks for his male colleagues when he has invited them to his place may be just out of an act of courteousness, but if he serves them food, offers help without people asking for it, is proactive around other males, and does things like preparing their favorite drink and makes constant attempts to win the attention of men around him, this can be an alarming sign. Moreover, he may be least hesitant to tap a man on his shoulders or constantly keep looking for reasons and ways to physically touch a man through a simple handshake or holding onto a friendly hug for more than a few seconds.


4. An Evidence of Queer Sites or Absence of Internet Search History 

As self-explanatory as it may seem, one of the most warning signs your husband is gay is the presence of a gay porn site on his laptop or the presence of a gay dating app on his cellphone. Another evidence your man is hiding something from you is the absence of his internet search history. He is probably doing it because he does not want you to be aware of something and wants to continue to indulge in the dopamine rush without having to spill too much about his inner world. 

5. Frequent Unplanned Visits to Gay Clubs 

Although your man might claim that his frequent visits to gay clubs are a way of showcasing support towards the LGBTQ+ community, the frequency of these visits and the duration are factors that decide whether these can be suggestive of a red flag. If these visits are routine and stretch up to umpteen hours, then this is one of the most evident signs that your husband is gay.

6. Extreme Defensiveness about His Social Circle

Is My Husband Gay?

As the old saying goes “Birds of a feather flock together”, it might be possible your husband is gay if he has a lot of queer friends in his vicinity. That is because your gay husband might be feeling safe and at home with people with similar worldviews and needs. He may be able to connect to people with similar physiological needs at a subconscious level and thus feel valued in their presence. As a straight woman, you may see his social circle as somewhat strange and you may find your husband being defensive about his friends if you question his choice to hang out with them more often than you like. He may also go so far as to hide his friends from you or keep you at arm's distance when you inquire about meeting his friends. 

7. Secretiveness About Previous Relationships 

For gay husbands, addressing past relationships can be difficult as they may want to hide parts of themselves out of fear, insecurity, or embarrassment. Hence, they may not open up about their past relationships. He may alternatively use gender-neutral pronouns or refer to their ex-partners as “somebody and someone" rather than using gender-specific pronouns like he/him etc. when talking about them briefly if asked. Thus, a partner avoiding small talk about his previous relationships without giving away too many details is a suggestive sign that your spouse has something to hide with regard to his sexual or emotional encounters in the past. 


8. Excitement in the Presence of Masculine Men And Celebrities

Is My Husband Gay

For straight men, it is usual to feel their hearts skip a beat every time the soft touch of a woman’s hand accidentally brushes past theirs; you may also notice them stealthily watching models in magazines and women around. But for gay men, the presence of women will not create any kind of physical attraction or the excitement that follows. Instead, if your husband is gay, you may find him locking eyes with attractive men in public places, checking out male or queer celebrities, or even getting excited at the prospect of hanging out with attractive male friends or colleagues, especially those who are possibly homosexuals themselves.

9. Being Conscious of His Appearance Around Men 

Many women may view men getting conscious of their appearance as a form of self-love, but if you notice your partner being overtly conscious about how he looks when he is around his male colleagues or male friends, then, this can be an indicator that your husband is gay and wants to attract positive attention and notice your husband if he is watchful about the crease in his shirt and constantly examines his styled pompadour when he is around his guy friends, while being more carefree and casual in the company of women.

Coming out as gay for your spouse is as difficult as it is for you to accept his sexuality. Here are a few ways by which you can deal with this problem and arrive at a common ground.

How to Deal with a Gay Husband?

Deal with a Gay Husband

Here are a few steps that you can incorporate when your husband comes out as gay after a series of confrontations and finally admitting his deep-ingrained sexual preferences. 

1. Create a Safe Space:

Gay men are often in denial of their sexual preferences primarily due to the fear of being ridiculed or judged by straight people, who constitute the majority of the population. It is normal to experience feelings of shame, disgust, anger, and even self-doubt upon realizing your spouse's sexual preference. However, it is also equally important to understand that a verbal spat or an outburst will worsen things, and therefore it is advised to empathize with your spouse and give him the confidence to trust in your non-judgemental attitude.


2. Be His Friend:

Gay husbands at times have a deep-ingrained willingness to be heard hence it is important for the wife to not treat the husband as a culprit but as another human being who has varying needs. Understand his expectations from the marriage, seek counseling and therapy to work out, and re-strategize on ways to retain a healthy relationship while remaining married or taking the decision to part ways. 


Discovering your husband is gay may come as a shock and may lead you to question the reliability and the foundation of your marriage. An effective way to extract the truth from your spouse and make him comfortable enough to open up about his sexuality is by maintaining a calm and composed demeanor and gently initiating the conversation by suggesting observations that have been made over time. 


Please feel free to reach out to a marriage counselor or a therapist for additional help and initiate the conversation with your near and dear friends and family members to gain a broader perspective on the issue. Also, do take a break to re-strategize towards setting newer expectations from the marriage for the benefit of both the parties and the people involved directly and indirectly with the wedlock at large. 

ALSO READ: How to Fix a Broken Relationship: The Road to Recovery

About The Author
Aastha Pahadia
Aastha Pahadia
Certified Relationship Coach

Aastha is a certified Relationship coach and she strives to help those who seek expert advice on relationships.



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