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101+ Funny Retirement Quotes, Sayings, And Messages for Laughs
Send your co-workers and friends funny retirement quotes, messages, and sayings to wish them a life full of happiness and health! It will brighten their day!
Retirement is indeed a bittersweet phase of life. It is the beginning of a beautiful journey that allows one to pursue hobbies while on the other hand, it's hurtful to let go of the beloved career one has been building for years. So, if someone in your immediate circle is retiring, send them some funny retirement quotes, humouristic messages, and witty sayings to feel a lot better. After all, they are kickstarting their new innings of life, and it's your responsibility to poke some fun, excitement, and giggles at the retiree.
Retirement jokes, quotes, and messages will not only make them laugh louder but also make it easy for them to step into the new world of freedom, peace, and sheer happiness. You can tease them for becoming older, pull their leg, and mimic their day-to-day one-liners while giving a sarcastic farewell toast.
Our bank of hilarious retirement quotes, messages, sayings, etc, will help you in wishing your relatives, friends, co-workers, and boss, a very happy retirement in the most comic way possible. We bet it will make their day and the newly started retirement plan a lot more cheerful! 
Funny Retirement Quotes That’ll Keep the Retiree Giggling
Roll your eyes over and bookmark some hilarious quotes, messages, sayings, and one-liners to make the retiree’s day a lot merrier.
Funniest Retirement Quotes
1. "There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working." — Robert Half
2. "Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because they quit playing." — Oliver Wendell Holmes
3. "When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch." — R.C. Sheriff
4. “When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.” — Chi Chi Rodriguez
5. "The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does." — Unknown
6. "A lot of our friends complain about their retirement. We tell 'em to get a life." — Larry Laser
7. “Men and women approaching retirement age should be recycled for public service work, and their companies should foot the bill. We can no longer afford to scrap-pile people.” — Maggie Kuhn
8. “I think that retirement is the first step towards the grave.” — Hugh Hefner
9. “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” — Mark Twain
10. "When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking." — Gail Sheehy
11. “Retired is being twice tired, I’ve thought first tired of working, then tired of not.” — Richard Armour
12. “Sometimes it’s hard to tell if retirement is a reward for a lifetime of hard work or a punishment.” — Terri Guillemets
13. "He who laughs last at the boss's jokes probably isn't far from retirement." — Unknown
14. “Retirement is the perfect opportunity to be the class clown once more, letting the laughter of your youth fill the room.” — Laura Davis,
15. "We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work—and then we retire. And what do they give us? A bloody clock!" — Dave Allen
16. “Retirement is like a never-ending weekend party, except you can’t recover with a day off on Monday.” — Margaret Johnson
17. “Retirement: It’s not just a job, it’s a do-it-yourself project.” — Betty Sullivan
18. “Retirement is the perfect excuse to indulge in guilty pleasures without guilt; it’s the sweet reward for a lifetime of hard work.” — Mary Johnson
19. “The best part about retirement is that you don’t have to worry about getting a promotion.” — Unknown
20. “The best part about retirement is never having to set your alarm clock unless you have an early tee time.” — Jeff Mowatt
Funny Retirement Quotes for Boss
21. “By the time you’re eighty years old, you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” — Bill Vaughan
22. “Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.” — John Wagner
23. "Retirement: That's when you return from work one day and say, 'Hi, Honey, I'm home—forever.” — Gene Perret
24. “A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.” — Ella Harris
25. “The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.” — Abe Lemons
26. “Retirement is when you can finally stop chasing money, and start chasing squirrels.” — Unknown
Funny Retirement Messages
27. Hey, now you are retired, enjoy the next project: Doing nothing all day!
28. Now that you're retired, you can binge-watch all those great Netflix shows! What will you do in the second week?
29. Now you have a license to not work, and nobody can ask you for updates. Celebrate your retirement!
30. Retirement: It takes all the meaning out of weekends!
31. No night shifts, only night outs. Happy retirement!
32. Happy to hear about your breakup. Enjoy retirement!
33. You have a new task, which is to eat, sleep, enjoy, repeat. Enjoy your retirement task!
One-Liner Retirement Jokes
34. Time to maximize that senior discount!
35. You have finally “Got a Life!”
36. Tired of adulting? It’s time to retire!
37. No one’s busier than a retired person with a “honey-do” list!
38. You’ve been practicing retirement for years. Now you’re ready for the real thing!
39. Now you are retired, how are the new bosses, and your grandkids?
40. You found your true calling, Retirement!
41. On the retirement clock, it’s always five O’clock.
42. Hey with all your college degrees, you now get to be a Master of doing nothing! Well done!
43. We’re still totally shocked you didn’t get fired first.
44. Now you are retired, you can be tired, yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
45. On the bright side of being retired, kidnappers are less interested in you. Enjoy retirement!
46. Lucky you! You don’t have to laugh at the boss’ jokes anymore.
47. You've finally reached retirement age! Does that make you old or me young?
48. I'm not sure why you'd want to re-tire, we're all tired already!
49. You worked so hard all these years to become what, a couch bum
50. Congratulations on deciding life is more important than work. What took you so long?
51. What do you call someone who’s happy on Mondays? Retired!
52. Congrats on being so tired that you had to retire.
53. "Retirement is the flip flop in the shoe of life." — Unknown
Funny Retirement Wishes
54. All those years of working and now you can get back to acting like a child again!
55. Fragile bones and a weak bladder. Are you still looking forward to your retirement? Congratulations!
56. Happy Retirement. We'll always have each other. Except for you, you won't have us because you won't be in the office.
57. Now you have a great excuse to spend your entire life’s savings!
58. You can now not worry about doing anything wrong or getting caught at it!
59. You’re retired! You might have expected some free time, but your calendar is already booked with babysitting our kids!
60. Enjoy your future of seven-day weekends!
61. Welcome to retirement, Dad. We’re starting a support group for Mom.
Funny Retirement Sayings
62. What do you call a person who is always happy each and every Monday? Retired!
63. You’re retired! We know you are young at heart and slightly older in other places!
64. Retirement: When you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.
65. How do you know it's time to retire? It's when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
66. Time to find out just how much you can get done without ever putting on your pants!
Funny Retirement Speeches
67. I hear retirement is really lonely. I hope you don't get lonely. If you do, don't call me; I'll be at work.
68. Working with you was a real pleasure. Let your spouse know they can use me as a reference if they have any doubts about that.
69. You may be tempted to give your work wardrobe to charity now that you're retired. Go shopping first, or you may end up with nothing to wear!
70. When people ask what you've been doing since retirement, make up something interesting. No one wants to hear about your afternoon nap.
Funny Things to Write in a Retirement Card
71. Remember, with retirement, you can wake up in the morning with zero to do and go to bed having done a mere half of it!
72. Off to retirement? Say Hi to your two new best friends, bed and couch!
73. I'm so sorry for your loss. No one is ever going to call you "boss" again.
74. You picked a great time to retire, we were just about to start a revolt against your leadership style.
75. Where will we be without our fearless leader? Oh, that's right, we'll be relaxed and happy!
76. It must be so hard leaving us all knowing you'll actually have to do things for yourself in retirement.
77. Welcome to the next phase of life. There's no dress code, but you probably can't afford clothes anymore, anyway!
78. Congratulations on your retirement! Time to start giving out advice, even though you never follow anyone else’s.
79. No more pretending to be mature! Now you can spend all your time acting like the 12-year-old you are at heart.
80. Retirement is the perfect time to act your age and finally take that much-needed coffee break whenever you want.
81. In retirement, you can finally break those bad habits and embrace the blank sheet of a new chapter in life.
Funny Retirement Sayings for Coworkers
82. Now you’re retired, you know everything and have plenty of time to tell everyone about it!
83. Good luck with the new boss! (PS. It’s your spouse.)
84. No more hitting snooze on the alarm clock. You just discovered the retirement button.
85. Now you are retired, you can get up at 6 am and drive around slowly delaying people everywhere!
86. One question: Can you take us with you?
87. While we’re meeting deadlines, you’ll be meeting friends on the golf course. We only hate you a little.
88. I am thankful retirement is not optional otherwise I would be stuck working with you, forever! Happy Retirement!
89. After retirement the body grows older, the heart grows fonder and the mind becomes younger. All the best at trying to handle an old body with a young mind and fond heart!
90. Retirement is the company's way of saying they have no more use for an old and lazy bum like you. Goodbye!
91. Happiness is...never having to use another work acronym.
92. When your colleagues give you a watch you know time is no longer of importance. Happy retirement!
93. We were sad to hear you're retiring until we realized it means one less person absentmindedly hitting "reply all" needlessly on emails.
94. Enjoy surfing the web during the workday without getting caught!
95. You might be excited about retirement, but we're not throwing you a party because we realize it means we're each getting some of your work added to ours.
96. It's going to be so weird not seeing you every day. What's your name again?
97. I'm sorry, I thought you were already retired since we never see you doing any work!
98. Retirement isn't that different from work; you still get to use sheets, visit docs, and steal other people's food out of the fridge.
Funny Retirement Wishes for a Friend
99. I bet you never thought how important medical insurance was until you retired!
100. Congrats on retiring. Have fun watching your life’s savings dwindle!
101. Hey, now you are retired you can’t afford to do all the things you wanted to, anyway! Happy Retirement!
102. Time to trade your work apps for cat naps!
103. Your retirement will be like a vacation, except you are now too old to do the fun stuff! Congrats!
104. When you retire do you turn into the old version of Boss Baby? Will you be wearing a suit and tie while you nap on the couch?
105. You say retirement is an adventure? Is climbing out of bed, climbing couches, and diving into take-out food fun?
106. Retirement: it is like a party with no drinking, no hook-up and you fall asleep. In other words, boring! Congratulations!
107. For someone as idle as you, retirement will not matter. You will just be lazy on an official basis! Happy Retirement!
108. The first day you do not change your underwear, consider yourself officially retired!
109. Hey now you are retired, you don’t have to wear pants!
Conclusion
We assure you that these funny retirement quotes, messages, sayings, and one-liners will definitely elicit hearty laughs into the air. Since the retiree had been too serious on the professional front, this is the right way to make them laugh until their stomach pains. Bookmark a few to wish them health and happiness and let them know how much you are going to miss them. Be it a retirement party, farewell speech, greeting card, or virtual send-off, in our collection, you will find the right words to express what you feel!
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